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The Smartest Dummy by Mark Anthony Given

 Just remember if we get caught your deaf and I don't speak English...

          THE SMARTEST guy I ever met in prison committed the stupidest crime you ever heard of. Late twenties, long brown scragglyy facial hair and kind of big, and although I never seen him speaking to anyone else, everybody pretty much left him alone.  He came to me to help him get his state time that he already did to count toward his federal sentence. That never works.  You can run your state time with your federal time but you can't credit any time in state custody to a federal sentence.  I seen he was like me in that I always had my head in a big fat text book.  I was reading landmark United States Supreme Court cases and he was studying math books. String Theory, Fuzzy Logic, Fermat's Last Theorem, Chaos Theory, I threw every bump in the road at him and he knew them all.  For all the school smarts he had he was still the dumbest criminal you ever heard of.  I guarantee you this is the dumbest federal crime you ever heard of and the only way I knew about it is he let me look at his PSI (Presentence Investigation Report). 
          THE SMARTEST DUMMY you never heard of according to the government's presentence investigation report came from a prominent family in North Florida, went to FSU, stood to inherit a small family fortune and his whole life unraveled with one hit of the Dragons Dick:  crack. Just hired by American Express in the IT department and in a matter of weeks lost it all, went to state prison for several years and when I met him in MOHAWK UNIT at FCI Marianna in north Florida in the late nineties, he was finishing a sentence for armed robbery of a federally insured bank in West Palm Beach.
          What warrant his placement in the World's Dumbest Criminals is the manner and means in which he executed his devious plan:  He drove up to the Drive Thru Teller and passed a note saying:  THIS IS A ROBBERY!  Give me all the money or I will shoot!" SWISHHH, SWOOSH the vacuum tube arrived at the teller inside and followed by a long silence....  I asked him what happened?  He said he set there until the place was swarming with cops and they ordered him out of the car with a dozen guns pointing at him....  Next to stealing the tags off of mattresses or sniffing bicycle seats at the local elementary school, that's a stupid ass crime... 

Copyright 2016 by Mark Anthony Given 
All Rights Reserved 

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